Yours truly is an emotional trainwreck. Hardly surprising; I've only ever met one transwoman who didn't have some type of neurosis. Trying to live your life in the wrong gender role, knowing that any slip can lead to a severe beating, every fibre of your being screaming at you that this false life you're living is WRONG!!!
The monkey on my back is fear of rejection. I was rejected at birth: my mother told about this, so I accept it's veracity - she didn't say "I love you" to me until I was 19 years old. My reaction each time I was dumped was way out of proportion - the last time was seven years ago. I decided then that I couldn't go through it again - the next time will kill me. When I give my heart I give it completely; if you take it then I am yours until you break it. When my heart gets broken I withdraw totally from interaction with the human race, but the last time I stopped looking after myself as well. I was going for months without washing, only eating if something was put in front of me, then eating anything and everything I wanted, I stopped using make-up and I went around in jeans, t-shirt and hiking boots. I 'woke up' from this a few weeks ago and to my horror I found that I weighted 18 bloody stone and looked like a house end!
I have a glimmer of hope (aye, me! Go figure!?!) that there might be a man out there somewhere for me, but the only place I can think of to look is on the internet. Days drag by and the hope dwindles. It is reignited when someone responds to one of my profiles and burns like a bright flame. For a few days. He has seen my 'flirt', he has added me to his 'favourites' and he has answered 'yes' to my 'are you interested?' query. My first message was ignored and the flame of hope dulls again. The second message is also ignored and hope becomes it's usual pile of smouldering ashes.
People accuse me of being pessimistic. I say I'm a realist; I see what is actually there, not what I want to be there. I may yet have to accept that I am destined for a solitary life.
Then I start receiving instant messages from another man and he seems really interested in me and I'm really interested in him and the messaging goes on for hours. And then nothing.
Am I insecure? You bet your arse I am!
