When it dawned on me

9:08 pm Wednesday, 23rd March, 2016

moonykrish

As a kid, from my childhood to my late teenage I suffered from a severe type of low self esteem, it was so much that I felt scared talking to my classmates in secondary school, or even speaking my mind on matters concerning me to my mother......then I grew up, motherhood came into my life and i found a voice, I became heard , I never let anything slide without clarifying it verbally, it was a new and liberating experience for me, it made me feel free, strong and understood. I have been riding this train since I turned 20 , but in recent times I've found myself asking if it is really necessary to be a genuine human being ? Especially for a woman in my country Nigeria whose society has a very rigid specification of what our ideal women is.
Perhaps you are reading this and wondering "where is she going with this epistle of self esteem and feminism" ?
In my last post I promised to tell a tale of the most passionate affair I have experienced but what I didn't tell you is this, it is also a tale of betrayal , deceit and heartbreaking rejection from a man I opened my mind, body and soul to.
I had never tried submission before until I met him, he came into my life with a larger than life aura, took control of me and spun me around with lust and promises of pleasure and deep friendship I became dunker than an Irish man on a Friday night, I relinquish all my toughness and dominance. I made it my duty to keep him satisfied in any way he demanded satisfaction. I on the other hand asked very little in return, actually what I only ever asked for was next to nothing, my satisfaction and pleasure was in his satisfaction, at some point during the peak of this affair I felt some kind of calmness over my spirit such that I have never experienced in my life. It felt good, I mean very good but sadly this didn't last for long. The waves of my real life became strong and intense, raging like a mad sea lion and about to swallow me and while I was struggling to stay afloat it broke me into pieces looking at the man that I thought had my back watching me gasping for air and trying to stay afloat in a storm that I stood no chance of surviving, while he was on a yacht with thousands of life rafts and flotation devices but my fight with this storm was entertaining for him, then I realised this had never been about mutual anything , I have been a form of entertainment for this person all the while!! Oh God! ! How did this happen to me? Where did I go wrong!!! And the voice in my head said very weakly " you opened your soul up to him" ........ I became angry and then anger gave me some strength and i pushed my head above the waters and swam with all the strenght left in me , i got to shore in one piece , the memory of him watching me in a life threatening situation and turning it to sport lingered around me, i couldnt shake it off my mind .Then I remembered that my personality that he claimed to be so attracted to was synonymous to that of a country with oil, milk it till you have all you need or dry in some cases and then move on. "Oh my God" this is happening again! , how did I let this happen to me again" it hurt so badly, it stung like a soldier ant's bite right on the navel, I thought I was going to die or go back to the loony bin, I tried to tell myself "it's all good, it's all part of the journey of life, no hard feelings, it was good while it lasted" yes it was but the ending made the whole journey look like It was rubbish. Now i am back to the real world and i can't cope , normal wouldn't do it for me, I enjoyed submitting too much, even though I am sport for him, I don't mind, I am. uffering from sever withdrawal symptoms, I can't handle them they are too strong for me I don't have much strength left in me to fight this, so I crawled back on my knees, I want more of this drug, I gotta have it, I can't imagine life without it. But there he stands smiling , my poison in one hand and he is holding it way about his head dangling it in my face, I beg desperately to have my fix , I am going to die without it. .."please master let me have my drug" he tells me "no you can't have it, dare to walk away if you can" I am torn, my brain says "walk away child, it's an illusion , the farther you get from it the less real it looks" my body and my mind tells me "no!! stay here! ! If you beg enough master will let you have your fix, he just need to know you won't question him again, let's show him we are still his" oh God what have I done to myself , will I ever recover from this? then again I heard that very weak voice in my head , like a starving prisoners of war it says "we will survive, but we must learn to never let pple know us ever, we need a mask, we will wear it so good nobody will know the difference only then will we be safe" so today I make this vow today , no man will ever touch my soul again, I will create a facade and that's all every man will see henceforth.



Comments

9:57 pm Tuesday, 29th March, 2016 kriot

nice write up.... maybe you should give writing an online diary a shot...

7:17 pm Friday, 1st April, 2016 mixedcouple19

What I wish for you is to find someone with whom you will be truly happy with. Someone who you can be your true self with. This is true happiness. Anything else will leave you yearning for something lost. Good luck and best wishes on your journey.

8:14 am Saturday, 2nd April, 2016 moyex

That life for you and move on

6:55 pm Tuesday, 5th April, 2016 richbed

You are such a good writer. As, for your story (I'm sure it ain't fiction), I really feel the pain. It's so sad that life can hand out such bitter scars upon so innocent a heart. But isn't this life?
I can't help coming away with the feeling that your resolution is worth it while, but again I must add that you should bear in mind that, life may yet offer you something most wonderful when you least expect. I therefore advice, that you shut the door to your "soul" firmly BUT keep the key within reach...I also do think the ones who'll eventually unlock your heart and give you bliss beyond your wildest dream DO EXIST on this planet, so never say never.
Lastly Moonykrish, I think you should really forgive your self for your past, and also forgive the terrible guy whose inconsideration, vile and sadism left you with this ugly memory. As long as you hold his ills bound to your heartmind, you keep morphing into such a brutal being and become more like him. Of course, anyone who reads your piece knows you are far more beautiful and wonderful than this. I'm convinced (and strongly hope) that you'll find my saying true someday.
You a a beautiful, brilliant woman. Please don't be swayed over by the silly brutality of one ignorant man ( who isn't as beautiful and intelligent as you; who never ever deserved you); our young ladies need you, the young guys needs you; we here need you and the world still needs you - all of us still need that wonderful side of you that he attempted to so brutally destroy. PLEASE DON'T LET HIM WIN THE WAR, cause if you keep to that resolution so strictly, he would have dealt you a life time blow, such that you might cast to the abyss the gold and the gem.
You shall find another who shall gradually lead you to your real self...don't be amazed if I say that this your wonderful peace might well have laid the red carpet to your stardom and prince charming.

10:30 pm Tuesday, 5th April, 2016 LeProfesseur

great writer

Blog Introduction

moonykrish
moonykrish

two words, Crazy!!! impulsive!!!!