When it dawned on me

moonykrish

As a kid, from my childhood to my late teenage I suffered from a severe type of low self esteem, it was so much that I felt scared talking to my classmates in secondary school, or even speaking my mind on matters concerning me to my mother......then I grew up, motherhood came into my life and i found a voice, I became heard , I never let anything slide without clarifying it verbally, it was a new and liberating experience for me, it made me feel free, strong and understood. I have been riding this train since I turned 20 , but in recent times I've found myself asking if it is really necessary to be a genuine human being ? Especially for a woman in my country Nigeria whose society has a very rigid specification of what our ideal women is.
Perhaps you are reading this and wondering "where is she going with this epistle of self esteem and feminism" ?
In my last post I promised to tell a tale of the most passionate affair I have experienced but what I didn't tell you is this, it is also a tale of betrayal , deceit and heartbreaking rejection from a man I opened my mind, body and soul to.
I had never tried submission before until I met him, he came into my life with a larger than life aura, took control of me and spun me around with lust and promises of pleasure and deep friendship I became dunker than an Irish man on a Friday night, I relinquish all my toughness and dominance. I made it my duty to keep him satisfied in any way he demanded satisfaction. I on the other hand asked very little in return, actually what I only ever asked for was next to nothing, my satisfaction and pleasure was in his satisfaction, at some point during the peak of this affair I felt some kind of calmness over my spirit such that I have never experienced in my life. It felt good, I mean very good but sadly this didn't last for long. The waves of my real life became strong and intense, raging like a mad sea lion and about to swallow me and while I was struggling to stay afloat it broke me into pieces looking at the man that I thought had my back watching me gasping for air and trying to stay afloat in a storm that I stood no chance of surviving, while he was on a yacht with thousands of life rafts and flotation devices but my fight with this storm was entertaining for him, then I realised this had never been about mutual anything , I have been a form of entertainment for this person all the while!! Oh God! ! How did this happen to me? Where did I go wrong!!! And the voice in my head said very weakly " you opened your soul up to him" ........ I became angry and then anger gave me some strength and i pushed my head above the waters and swam with all the strenght left in me , i got to shore in one piece , the memory of him watching me in a life threatening situation and turning it to sport lingered around me, i couldnt shake it off my mind .Then I remembered that my personality that he claimed to be so attracted to was synonymous to that of a country with oil, milk it till you have all you need or dry in some cases and then move on. "Oh my God" this is happening again! , how did I let this happen to me again" it hurt so badly, it stung like a soldier ant's bite right on the navel, I thought I was going to die or go back to the loony bin, I tried to tell myself "it's all good, it's all part of the journey of life, no hard feelings, it was good while it lasted" yes it was but the ending made the whole journey look like It was rubbish. Now i am back to the real world and i can't cope , normal wouldn't do it for me, I enjoyed submitting too much, even though I am sport for him, I don't mind, I am. uffering from sever withdrawal symptoms, I can't handle them they are too strong for me I don't have much strength left in me to fight this, so I crawled back on my knees, I want more of this drug, I gotta have it, I can't imagine life without it. But there he stands smiling , my poison in one hand and he is holding it way about his head dangling it in my face, I beg desperately to have my fix , I am going to die without it. .."please master let me have my drug" he tells me "no you can't have it, dare to walk away if you can" I am torn, my brain says "walk away child, it's an illusion , the farther you get from it the less real it looks" my body and my mind tells me "no!! stay here! ! If you beg enough master will let you have your fix, he just need to know you won't question him again, let's show him we are still his" oh God what have I done to myself , will I ever recover from this? then again I heard that very weak voice in my head , like a starving prisoners of war it says "we will survive, but we must learn to never let pple know us ever, we need a mask, we will wear it so good nobody will know the difference only then will we be safe" so today I make this vow today , no man will ever touch my soul again, I will create a facade and that's all every man will see henceforth.

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