“All’s fair in love and war” ?? : the politics and pragmatism of adult dating

Thanks all, for your comments. As it's 1.30 am here I'm going to crash, but will see what's arrived in the morning and hopefully respond appropriately. xx

Yes! Good blog. I have come across many types of profile description on this site--all looking for different things. Some persons say 'NSA', some say they looking for one person to have regular sex with, some say they hope to find a serious relationship, some say they want to spice up their already fantastic sex life by doing something different (e.g. orgy, sex in public, dogging, etc) and so forth. I have come to the conclusion that many persons will lie to hide what they really looking for on here; this is one of the things that makes this so complicated. All in all, yes! All's fair in love and war. Nothing is out of bounds, everyone here has different motives, different agendas, different personalities and many times we project something different; just because we are not true to ourself. Lots of emotional factors will come in play: jealousy,checking up on another person you had good sex with to see what heshe is up to, etc. One thing that proves truthful is very good sex results in very good memories; on the contrary, bad sex results in bad memories. There are some experiences we have with another person that we will never be able to forget easily.

I fear I may be an adventurer...I love the buzz and the butterflies and stepping over to the wilder side for my kicks.

It's my choice of sexlife, and it came to me in a damascene revelation in the middle of a mortar attack in N Iraq late one December evening. After the adrenaline had subsided I was left with a less than adequate feel about life, the universe and everything. Over time the hole became a very large one indeed and one of my ways out has been to adopt an almost Buddhist approach. I now love everyone, yet I love no-one, and the former is my preferred choice.

For me there is far more to this than getting laid, I love it because it is liberating and life-reinforcing, a positive in an otherwise negative world. I like forming attachments and alliances too, adding extra dimensions to the experience, and I value those alliances greatly. Some even verge on genuine friendship.

Bloody hell. I think I am a hippy...

Oh by the way - and in reference to the blog title - in my experience there is fack all fair about either.

Bloody good fun though

Wow, Luv2again seems like a smart cookie. I agree with her unreservedly.

;-)

xx

Great blog Skebbie, a lot to digest. I think it boils down to treating people in here as you would prefer to be treated yourself, a little thought and consideration is never out of place even if the people concerned hit it off or not. I would never knowingly do something to hurt or offend anyone and expect the same, naive as that might sound, but things are rarely so uncomplicated.I had thought that NSA would be the perfect solution to my my own situation but it hasn't worked out that way but for those who can totally let go there seems to be no end of fun to be had. I continue to keep an open mind and see what comes my way, you just never know lol Rigger, time to buy that woolly coat methinks, never a nightmare Curvy :)

Nippon lunchtime: I'm really grateful to you all for coming up with such a great range of thoughtful responses. My main motivation for being here is trying to understand how other humans tick, because in doing so it helps me to understand myself and where I am on the human scale.

Rather than addressing each post individually, I'll try and patch together a synthesis of themes that I think cover the main points.

I think the main one that emerges is the need for good communication before embarking on any kind of dalliance. In your responses you have shown that we all have a huge range of expectations from 1-on-1, and a huge range of "neediness". After a few "false starts" at adult dating a decade ago, I soon learned about the perils of not doing one's homework before arranging to meet people: this led to mismatches in expectations, not only with regard to looks (and I include myself as sometimes coming up wanting in that department :-) but also social and metal interaction. To put it bluntly: I simply can't shag anyone unless there is good rapport. I think in order to feel desire, I need to feel desirable and respected. It may sound bizarre, but my desire (as far as I can understand myself) stems from a feeling of gratitude and affection for a woman who ticks all my boxes (and I have high standards), and who has chosen the likes of *me* to penetrate her deeply and hold her close. Frankly, I think use of the term "fun" in this context is hugely under-representing one of the greatest things life has to offer. For me, it's not like a ride on the dodgems: it's something primal and even spiritual - yin and yang, if you like. Everyone has their own sexual motivation, rationale and responses, and derives different forms of reward from it. For some people it may only be recreational, like a shot of adrenalin going down the luge at Sochi, whereas for others it may be like slaking a pathological thirst, or finally slotting home that square in Rubik's cube that's been vexing you for weeks :-)

So in arranging to date someone, communication is paramount to ensure physical and mental compatibility, and to avoid any misunderstandings about "future expectations". To me, this now seems common sense, and I prefer to do it via e-mail and photo exchange rather than through chat, because that approach reveals far more about a person and hisher circumstances. I'm extremely open about my life and lifestyle, as anyone who has communicated with me will testify. However, as Sassy says, it's amazing how reluctant or incapable people can be on this site can be about defining themselves as prospective sexual partners, so it it surprising that so many connections on here come to grief ?

Luv2: Welcome back Lazarus. Obviously rumours of your demise had been greatly exaggerated :-) My initial reaction when I noted the (very welcome) arrival of your namesake was that you had suffered a Dixon-like personality fracture. However the latter has assured me he still has no plans to go solo :-)

Rigger: I always knew you would come round eventually. I've got an old Afghan coat you can have if you like :-) Could this be a Hub version of Ron Kovic, or that Gary Sinise character in Forrest Gump ?? :-) You'll be becoming a peace activist next.

Sassy: I understand that "fun" is a term of convenience on here, but what I meant to convey above is that the way people interpret it has a bearing on compatibility. For me adult dating is fascinating, intensely enjoyable, and deeply fulfilling and satisfying when I'm lucky enough to meet the right person. It also leaves great memories, and if the connection can be an enduring one, then so much the better. I hope that's a more precise definition of "fun" from my viewpoint.

BBlish: Thanks for your input. I think your experience is shared by many: perhaps multiple times :-) In fact so many times that one begins to think that perhaps on this site, we should just accept the fact that everyone are constantly trying to maximize their opportunities. I think in your earlier post above, you hit on a good suggestion about the need for a profile option whereby people can specify the type of "relationship" (to use a general term) they are looking for. I really do think this would help avoid a lot of misunderstanding at the outset.

Guy: Frankly I'm flattered that someone pointed you in my direction, but as the months go on, the more I'm convinced that the blogs in their present form are an absolutely vital element of a site like this.

In saying that you have 2-3 women friends who are cool about intermittent dates, you give a good insight into your take on this. Other people (for example Shyboy) may prefer a long-term arrangement with just one person. So really this just serves to illustrate how different people's expectations and hopes can be. Hence going back to BBlish's suggestion about an option to state one's desired "dating scenario".

Luv2: 'Welcome back Lazarus'
You should know better than to listen to the jungle drums. Like Lazarus, I was restored to life after 4 days. Can I just say, on behalf of my good friend Luv2again, how much she appreciated the warm welcome she received when she visited the blogs. We got to know each other quite well over the past couple of days; she was a lovely girl and I will miss her dearly.
Actually, that's a lie; these 'ere blog thingies just ain't big enuff for the two of us.

Luv2: You should know me better than that by now. I have absolutely zero interest in the jungle telegraph or smoke signals. I don't frequent chat, and I really couldn't care less who is stalking who. My life here centers around *selected* blogs and whoever writes to me. That's it. But of course I realize you girls thrive on rumour and gossip...... ;-) I'd have never known you'd disappeared had I not noticed your absence from my hotlist. I was just about to drop you a private valedictory line, but then you resurfaced. I shan't inquire further about the rationale or the modus operandi :-)

"'I'd have never known you'd disappeared had I not noticed your absence from my hotlist."

I'm now absent from everyone's hotlist! Such a sad state of affairs. Sobs ...



BBW, mwah xxx

I realised some time ago that random sex without some connection outside the bedroom falls short of what i need to make me feel that a "date" has been satisfying.

I want to spend my time enjoying memorable qiality moments, rather than feeling empty at the lack of connection from NSA.

I feel that as long as i am open about my intentions & desires from the start and both parties respect the need for honesty & transparency and agree to "Consensual responsible NON-Monogamy" then it could in the broader sense lead to a sexual and somewhat emotional relationship without any jealousy or the confines of a traditional relationship and although it may not be sexually exclusive it can still be rather fulfilling as long as all parties respect the boundries that have been previously agreed.

Skebbie - I think I already am a peacemonger. I am all for dust ups where the national interest is genuinely at risk but in my world the politicians who decide that something needs to be done should be first off the plane...

I fancy the idea of the coat though - that would be an excellent addition to the rigger dressing up box!

Rigger: You're welcome, but I think you'd need a Robert Plant wig to pull off the image successfully :-)

Rigger's got a dressing up box!!! Interesting ...



Ian, to answer your question: Neither. I was undergoing behaviour modification training. I am now a good little puppy who will choose her future behaviour wisely and will think twice before pissin' on the carpet again.
Oops, sorry Skebbie ... wrong blog!

Hasn't everyone got a dressing up box????

Tsk next thing you will be telling me that none of you like your wine rose...

Friday evening in Tokyo, work completed, and now able to return to pick up a few points.....

I was interested in SAS's post (no we're not talking about you, Riggs :-) in which he said that the most successful adult daters are those who can ride the ebb and flow. I think I would agree, but I wonder whether they achieve that at the expense of becoming a little "hardened", striving from date to date, racking up a string of bednotch testimonials. I suppose it brings me back to my "sexual capitalism" theory: those who are perceived as having it are doubly enriched, because many more will want to invest in them. By the same token, I can see the logic in Luv2's comment about testimonials being a useful indicator that someone is unlikely to become an emotional nuisance or stalker.

So I think testimonials and reputation can be a double-edged sword: there will always be those who think that such "qualifications" are an indicator of sexual ruthlessness, and prefer sexual partners who have a potentially gentle or sensitive streak, whereas others might wish to approach such partners because they are more likely to "do as they say on the tin" (to use a much hackneyed expression on this site).

To a certain extent, I think this principle can also be applied to media, and the number of "friends" people have. My media have certainly got me noticed, but I'm not sure it's always for the right reasons, or whether it has the desired affect. The reason I put them up is because I have an artistic streak and sexual imagery is a strong component of what I get out of sex. The pics are also there to show people I am not "messing around": "pictorial testimonials" if you like. I'm also a very open person, and I believe it's better to leave no room for doubt about what I get up to. Those who can accept it are those I want to know; and obviously those who can't will not want to know me :-)

Wingit: " If you don't make that higher level of contact the sting is deadened somewhat "

For me there has to be a degree of connection. As without a meeting of the minds i don't find them sexually attractive.

It is a case of each to their own on a site like this as everyone has their own agenda. The best thing to save others "Feelings" would be for everone to be open and honest about their intentions.

Think lots or the women call Joe babe or huni and i think i have even used Angel lol

Skebbie: Have to say rather lovely "pictorial testimonials" you have and as you say they state your intentions very well. They "speak volumes" probably more so than the written word as our words can sometimes be misconstrued. ;-)

Well it's taken a week for me to get back to this, which perhaps gives some indication of how much less time I have for idle chit-chat relative to you UK ne'er do wells :-) However, being the OCD pedant that I am, I felt I had to put a line under this, irrespective of who was still looking.......

Yet again, I'm drawing on SAS for the nidus of my inspiration, but the rest of you have also helped it to crystallize. I'm referring to the concept of the "sting". No matter how long an individual has been working sites such as this one, now and again there will always be a meet that has "raised the bar" relative to others, and this can have mental repercussions according to whether it is you, or one's previous partner, who has been found wanting. For example, if I find oneself cervix-deep with a lady-friend and she gasps in my ear that not only it's never felt so good, but also that she's always got turned on by intellect, and then a couple of weeksmonths later she's changed her profile to that of a "couple", and her new-found partner is a bricklayer with "love and hate" tattooed across his chest, then naturally I begin to question the level at which the "bar" has been placed. Conversely, after a decade of online dating, if - for a brief period of a month or so - I enjoy the company of a woman who totally blows me out of the water, but with whom I know my time is limited......then similarly to the above, how am I expected to react? (This was covered on another blog last year about "The best sex of one's life" :-)

Like Luv2 I would say that I'm "old fashioned but sophisticated", and likewise by SAS's philosophy, I can recognize that one is measured by the ease with which one can ride the wave. But (unless there is a gene for it), it is a skill that's hard-won.