The loneliness amongst friends
Although I'm surrounded by people who I consider friends at work, the loneliness which engulfs the very essence of my being tends to drive deeps chills deep into my bones. The smiles I release towards them are nothing more than lies from my troubled soul, for its the tears, the scowls, frowns, and sometimes utter contempt of certain specific comments that are made by some of my friends, that make fun of, degrade, and are quite disrespectful towards girls like us, and those who would choose to be with us.
Being in a position of authority, I often keep to myself with busy work so as not to place myself in a position where I will be close enough much of the time to hear the unpleasent comments. Far too often have there been moments when I've desired for nothing more than to chastize them for their prejudices, biases and other ill-willed thoughts, and wanted to slap a photo of me, as I truly am, right down on the table in front of their faces. But to do so would jeapordize my position, and very possibly end my career with a job I love so very much.
I often feel as if I'm carrying the weight of the entire universe upon my shoulders; a universe so vast, full of wonder and life, but also so very lonely and empty that my closest friends are so distant that they might as well not even exist in my life.
There are so many individuals through this forum who desire to make contact with me, because they see something in me that has brought about a heart-driven desire of them to contact me. But due to financial constraints on my part, I don't have the ability to respond in kind, and this puts a heavy burden on my heart, because I don't wan't people interested in me to think less of me for not responding to their inquiries.
Everyone who has responded to my various blog postings, have a special place in my heart, and I consider them my dearest friends. There are times I wish I were in a different place, and a different timeline, so I could share with them in person what I presently can't do now.
Perhaps that special moment in time will present itself to me at a time I least expect, but for now, I'll just continue to wander in life as best I can, and hope for a brighter day; a more comforting night, but most of all, a more respectful, honest future within the loving comfort of a being who is destined to share life with me, and all the love that can be included in it.
