Why Do I Fear Marriage

I write not on the perspective of gender, nor of gender bias. While some chauvinists label women to be matrimony-chasers and cynics paint men to be generally gamophobic, I veer away from the bandwagon mindset. I neither submit nor protest these notions for there is a grain of truth to them, afterall. Instead, I will share my own reason -- or reasons -- which will probably resonate with many.

I fear waking up next to a friendly roommate whom I adore, respect and never wish to hurt... BUT. I fear coming home to a safe, peaceful and friendly place and yet wish I were somewhere else. I fear that I chose well, married the best son-in-law for my parents, good provider, a good friend, and in all appearances the epitome of a perfect partner. Yet, find that I have ultimately chosen wrongly for the wrong reasons that are not his fault. At all.

As a woman who is innately passionate to the core, I fear losing that one thing cemented inside me. That which makes me a woman first and foremost, and lose it to being wife or mother or homemaker. I am a firm believer that a woman need not choose one role over the other. That she can still be a woman, after she becomes everything else.

I fear marriage for that small, life-changing, unforeseeable possibility that the man I will have chosen cannot inspire that part of me, that he will not even be able to reach it, cannot encourage it. I fear a partner who will be unable to appreciate I was still a woman deep inside, when I myself will forget.

I do not fear marriage for its security, nor the seeming permanence. Neither do I fear the sameness of every day, the ritual, the mechanics, the never-ending procession of bills, laundry, diapers or repairs. I would gladly embrace every mundane moment of it, if I could somehow assure myself that this chosen life partner is capable of nurturing my deepest passions instead of suppressing it until it is no more.

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