Absolution of guilt an unconventional method

This last year has been a whirlwind of emotions both extreme highs and lows. I am unsure if the constant daydreaming and fantasising about sex and lust is entirely normal.
Is it normal to think of sex 24/7 and always be horny?
Is this verging on some sort of sexual disorder or are the years were I could not control my whole life morphing into some sort of manic depression?
Is there some sort of repressed personality wanting to make up for the years of no sex and no company?
Is the alter ego of Ginger just an excuse to behave the way I want to and transferring the guilt to another form of myself?
Is it normal to lust after someone you have never met and probably never will?

In the absence of any trustworthy close friends I have decided its time for some therapy. Well counselling as we like to call it here. I think if I lived in America I’d be in therapy all the time. The Great British public really do not like to analyse things to the extent of our western neighbours. Some things are best kept private left behind closed doors or permanently remain in the darkest recesses of our heads. Well for some maybe but on a bad day I have the memory of a herd of elephants and forgetting is never the option. Dates, times, colours, smells, days, months, years stored and filed on instant demand.
It is maybe time to let some of them out of my head before it explodes.

I turn on the computer as I am prone to do when I need information I google sexual therapy, physco sexual problems and addictions.

A lot of people have sexual problems during their lives, for many different reasons. Lack of desire, erectile dysfunction, problems orgasms, painful sex, STDS,

Addictive behaviour may include multiple partners, affairs, pornography, public displays of nudity and sex, compulsive masturbation, exhibitionist or voyeuristic tendencies. The need for more or an excess of any of the above leading to debt through use of sex sites, chat sites, web porn and or prostitutes among other reasons. Much like a junkie a sex addict will be unable to control their urges always craving their next high.
However, if you can control these urges but yet crave more are you an addict?
Is sex not one of our animalistic mating urges a built in part of our DNA?
When does a desire become an addiction?
I read somewhere once that humans and elephants were the only mammals that mated for life. Why is that? I’ve said before I believe there are different people for us at different stages of our lives. I do not believe that humans are meant to mate for life this is why there are so many affairs so much infidelity.

There is also hypersexuality when someone with a low sex drive may suddenly feel the need or urge that they have to have sex with anyone to satisfy their urges. This is often signs of manic behaviour. Fantasy sex, masochism, bondage, fetishes and cross dressing are also signs of addictive tendencies. All these things in themselves to not form the basis of an addiction but the combination of two or more of the preceding may have a foundation for compulsive addictive behaviour.

I’m reading all these facts online you know like you do when your self diagnosing before going to the doctor. I’ve got that…..I do that….that is me……What happens if you fall into every category except having paid for prostitutes????

Out comes the yellow pages. Yes I did look manually through the book and not on my phone. I like feeling the paper. I pick the nearest counselling service and dial ….I book an appointment without saying why. I will have to think of how to bring up the topic….but I will sleep on it.

In the morning I wake up slowly no rush I don’t have to be there until noon, for the pre lunch appointment. I make porridge the cupboards are bare I forgot to do the shopping due to having a messy mind. The kitchen currently resembling the same state as my head, I really must get my act together. I shower slowly letting the hot water run over my skin turning it up to let it burn a little. I shave my legs, not for any reason, after all I do not intend letting anyone feel them today. Nevertheless I shave them wash my hair and scrub myself with shower gel. I choose my black belted dress to wear as it seems proper. That is I’m covered but it leaves nothing to the imagination. My cleavage might not be visible but all the curves can be seen. Blue strappy sandals and a touch of black mascara finish off the ensemble. Is this just nerves or am a secretly hoping the counsellor will be a man……

Standing outside the building it is like many private practices these days. An old converted three story dwelling house…the garden long since vanished, tarmaced to make way for the car park. One lone tree stands in the middle to give a sense of what I presume to be homeliness. I enter into a sterile waiting area surrounded with imitation white leather seats. Sticky to sit on when you are sweating with nerves. I dread standing up as I can feel myself sticking to the seat.

The door opens and a tall dark haired man ushers me into the room. He is not extremely handsome but he has a smile which would charm the pants off most women….in my opinion. This is my problem the first thing that entered my mind ….sex. I feel like I deserve some sort of punishment for my thoughts.

The Doc introduces himself and directs me to sit in a seat opposite him. It is too personal having someone looking straight at me, being able to watch each flicker on my face and lowering of my eyes. He asks me why I felt the need to talk. Hesitantly I begin to speak. Not my usual self when it comes to pontificating what I want to say. I struggle to put the thoughts into words……I am nervous.

‘I have thoughts……. all the time. Thoughts I do not think I should be having on such a regular basis. All I can think about is sex. It cannot be normal to think such things…..to daydream of men. No just one man constantly. To imagine and want them to be watching me……fucking me……handling me. Individually and all at once’.

He asks me to be more specific….to tell him everything. Sometimes dreams have hidden meanings.

I begin slightly embarrassed, but nevertheless I begin.

I’ve finally given in my eyes are shut under the blindfold. I can here and smell but I cannot see. My hands are clammy I feel cold yet I am warm. It is what I wanted but I am now unsure, dubious yet at the same time excited and curious. I would like to think I feel a bit like Alice just before she fell down the hole into the rabbit hole. Yet there are no rabbits here…. not even those of the rampant persuasion.

I am naked and I flush at the thought but I cannot see who can see me this reassures me a little. Surely it is acceptable to behave like a slut if you cannot see who is looking at you.

I cannot see the men or people but I can hear them as I am led forward my knees hit something hard and I am told to turn around and sit down. Whatever I have placed my naked ass on is hard and rough maybe some sort of a wooden platform. No skelfs I hope. I can feel two hands grasping my shoulders and pulling me backwards my arms being stretched above my head are held firm. Then I feel the restraints being tied they are wrapped around several times there will be no chance of undoing those knots …. even if I wanted to. I then feel two different sets of hands open my legs and spread them tying each leg slightly upright and wide like I am spread eagled only slightly more elevated.

Every inch of me exposed and visible for others to look at.

I feel exposed.

They can see everything yet I can see nothing.

I am excited and anticipating what should happen next.

I can feel myself dampen.

I then feel a hand between my legs a finger or thumb on my clit and rubbed slowly down into the wetness it feels cold as the juices are rubbed over me. I then feel other hands on my breasts maybe one person maybe two rubbing and pinching. While the other hand I can feel fingers being inserted inside me it feels good but I cannot readjust my position to move against it. I am very excited my clit and pussy feel swollen. I feel more fingers entering me stretching me wider I am very tight and it feels good I want to fuck them but I can only feel what they want me to. I cannot move. The hands on my breasts are still pinching at my engorged nipples they are erect and sore from the excitement.

I then feel a surge of pain as I recognise the feel of the clamps being placed on my right nipple and then the left the fingers still moving inside me and a thumb rubbing my clit. I feel other hands on my thighs and buttocks squeezing like you might a prize heffer to check there was enough meat on their bones.

The nipple clamps are secured and pulled it hurts and I moan at the pain and the pleasure I am feeling elsewhere. It is short lived for the fingers are removed and I feel empty. I feel a hand strike at my clit and lips sharp and heavy yet not painful it is repeated several times I can feel moisture run down between my buttocks as I am very turned on. Then all touch stops I feel nothing but the wetness pulsing between my legs and the pinch of the nipples. It feels like an eternity when it is probably only a few minutes. I can hear movements and talking but nothing directed directly at me.

I then feel the sharp pain as what I presume to be a riding crop or cane hits my buttocks involuntarily I want to move away from it but I cannot I wince at the pain. It was unexpected. It is repeated I should be hating it but I am not I can feel my pussy muscles contract and open wider anticipating something being inserted into me but it does not come. Again the crop strikes I do not know whether I should laugh or cry I enjoy the pain.

This is repeated several times nothing else touches me no hands feel me. But I am still exposed the thought of all those eyes watching me and the cocks hard waiting for me wanking in anticipation of being inserted into me.

I feel my head turned to the right and a cock pushed against my mouth. I open to let it in this is not gentle something you expect from a lover there is no patience the cock is thrust into my mouth I am unable to stop it. Right to the back of my throat and not moved I do not suck for I cannot. This cock is big and I find it hard to breathe. I gag and my eyes water. Then it is removed right about the same time I can feel my pussy lips parted and a pinch as a clamp is applied I can feel a chain being pulled over my stomach and attached beside my feet. Then the other side My lips pulled apart and left open and gaping.

I can also feel the knot of my anus contract I have never had anal sex it has always been too tight I can feel it loosen slightly. The hands then start to grope me again inserted and moved finger fucking me. I have no idea how many hands I do not concentrate on it as I still have a cock in my mouth. It is hard to feel every sensation when you are finding it hard to breathe. The saliva runs out of my mouth and down my chin again the cock invades my mouth I do not know if it is the same cock or not. This time I feel my nose covered as the cock hits my throat I find it hard to breathe but also feel hands invading my pussy and the pain of the clamps stretching me wide for all to see. I can feel myself orgasm and the tears run down my cheeks as I gasp for a breath.

I cum hard and feel the fluids run down my ass. Someones fingers are rubbed in it and inserted again in my pussy as one hand rubs my clit I feel someone else trying to insert fingers into my ass. I do not expect there to be many as I am always tight. I am surprised with the amount of lubricant that they have maybe inserted two fingers. Slowly at first while the other persons hands hook my cunt. The fingers are removed and I feel something being inserted what I presume is maybe a butt plug slightly wider than the fingers it is moved in and out of me slowly before being pushed in fully I feel the wider shaft hit my ass. It is left there. One hole now filled with the plug and my mouth with cocks.

I feel a cock slapped against my clit moved down slowly and yet swiftly inserted not gently immediacy right into the balls the position of my legs means the cock enters deeply not a large cock but then I am maybe so wet and ready for it that it seems that way. This is a new sensation I have never had sex with anything in my ass before it feels good. The cock thrusts fast and deep not stopping pounding into me another mirrors the movement fucking my mouth while I presume the same person squeezes on the clamps on my nipples. I cum again it hurts with the clit clamps and the butt plug but it is good.

Another cock is inserted in my pussy fucking me hard and deep this one feels slightly bigger and longer. I can feel his balls push the butt plug deeper into my ass. This is something I have imagined for a while but never thought I would do all those cocks hard and wanting to be in me fucking me in every hole. He moves and another takes his turn he clit clamps are starting to hurt they feel like they are pulling me apart making me open to everything inviting the men to open my cunt wider as I am presented to them.

I do not know how many men fuck me but I then feel the butt plug being pulled it moved slightly before being pulled out. I feel fingers again probing me stretching me wider my juices used to lubricate and a bigger plug inserted and pulled out and again inserted it moves easier but it is shorter. It is removed while other fingers probe my cunt, rub my clit and squeeze my thighs. Then I feel an even bigger plug inserted it is longer wider I feel my ass stretch but I am powerless to move it is sore but not painful I like the feel. They do not leave this one instead my ass now becomes the centre of attention cocks in my mouth and fingers and plugs in my ass. Slowly widening it so that a cock can eventually be inserted………

Even as I speak with my eyes closed imagining this happening I can feel myself inadvertently clenching my thighs. My pants wet my faced flushed. I open my eyes remembering my watcher. He has a strange look in his eyes……he is turned on by what I am saying. His professionalism gone. I pull up my dress slightly at the hem showing the top of the stockings…….his eyes follow my hand.

‘I enjoy my thoughts, my fantasies. I feel guilty I feel like I should have some form of reprimand or punishment’. He does not speak. He indicates that I should stand up and he gently turns me round bending me over my hands on the arms of the old wing back chair. I feel him run his hands up my legs slowly feeling the silk of the stockings. Pushing my dress up and over my butt. Hands rubbing over the black lace of my pants slowly his palms giving a warmth to the touch. He then pulls my pants to my ankles pushing my thighs apart with his knee. Again his hands touch my buttocks slowly. Then one hand gropes harder painfully, before suddenly I feel the heat of his palm again. This time not slow not caressing, sharp hard I’m shocked. This was not what I was expecting.

What was I expecting? Absolution? I have said before that I do not require sanctification. This was not an absolution a forgiveness or someone talking me out of my sins. This is punishment ……and I like it.

Again his hands sharply strike my buttocks then grope them both pain and pleasure. I can feel myself clenching my muscles and wetness run down my legs. I can feel the sharp stings and I want more. He stops his hands slide between my legs but they do not touch me they move down spreading my legs further. I here is zip and without warning he thrusts into me……hard. No tentative entry his cock which is rather large fucks me. He does not ask is it sore, is it enjoyable. He slams into my buttocks hard and his cock inside me. I do not want to cum so soon but I do…..it is both the pleasure of the cock and his punishing strokes. He also cums quickly and immediately pulls up his trousers…. my hands shaking while they still grasp the chair arms. I feel his cum run out of me and down my legs. I do not wipe myself with shaky hands I pull up my pants, pull down the dress fix my hair and leave the room without so much as a look backward.


I should feel more confused, dirty even. But I don’t. My mind is easier less confused not as full of guilt. Punishment was that all it took? Not exactly a straight forward solution. How on earth can a punishment fuck make me feel better about all my dirty thoughts and feelings? But it does…….

I shall probably have the same thoughts tomorrow and the next day ……what shall be my punishment then?

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